In Memory

Today marks the one year anniversary of my dad's death. Between his death and his funeral, I wrote down what I remembered of Dad's last days and shared it with my husband, children, siblings and a few close friends.  I am reposting it today on my blog. It is certainly true that memories fade as time passes, but it is good to revisit them occasionally. Some days I wish I would hear his lawn mower start up and see Chip eagerly rush up to greet him and some evenings I still wish I could walk into his house, sit on that old chair, watch Jeopardy, and chat with him.

Dad’s Final Days

                We all knew that Dad’s health had been declining steadily over the past year and it seemed like since his last fainting episode in January the pace had picked up and each week it seemed he was slowing down a little more.  He had stopped volunteering at Willow Valley (I can’t remember when—was it last fall?) and the beginning of April he gave up bowling. He was beginning to get out of breath very quickly if he walked even a short distance. However, none of us expected the end to come so quickly.

                On Sunday, April 22, Steve and I took Dad to George’s restaurant for lunch.  Josh also joined us.  Afterward Steve and I had to run an errand and Josh took Dad home.  Dad got out of Josh’s car but as he took a step backward he fell. Josh helped him up but he was unable to walk so Josh carried him in to his sofa.  I checked on him several times that afternoon and he seemed okay, just shaken and thankfully nothing was broken.  The next morning, however when I went up to check on him he was still in bed and complained of dizziness when he tried to get up.  Eventually, I was able to help him get up and dressed and the dizziness went away. He never mentioned dizziness again. After that episode, Dad began to use a cane to help with his balance. He would often tell me that he was just worn out. On Wednesday, April 25, Les accompanied him to Landis Homes to attend his high school class reunion. He seemed really glad that he went but that evening he was absolutely exhausted.

                Gene left for Bulgaria on Thursday, April 26 and I was away with some ladies from church April 27-29. When I got home Sunday evening, Dad said to me, “I’m so glad you are here. You don’t know how bad I am.” Les & Lois had both spent time with him over the weekend and though he was weak there was nothing that sent off alarm bells that he was near the end. He even drove his car to Les’s and then drove with Les to get groceries on Saturday morning.

                On Monday evening over Jeopardy he told me that he had been unable to eat that day.  It looked like he had taken one bite out of a sub that was on the kitchen counter (he told me to give it to Chip) and a TV dinner was on the table uneaten. I always refill his pill containers on Monday evening and I realized that he hadn’t taken his medications Saturday, Sunday and Monday.  I asked him about it and at first he said he thought it might make him feel better not to take so many pills but then later he said he didn’t know why he hadn’t taken his pills.

                On Tuesday morning I went up to his house around 8:00 and it was still dark.  I found him in bed and he said he was too weak to get up. His breathing was very labored and heavy. He said he hadn’t been able to sleep hardly at all and he didn’t want to be alone. I began to realize that this was getting very serious.  I called my siblings for reinforcement. We did not want to make any major decisions with Gene out of the country so Les suggested that we as a family do round the clock care until Gene returned on May 7.  Lois stayed with him on Tuesday during the morning and made him meatloaf and mashed potatoes but he was able to eat only a couple bites.  Les stayed with him in the afternoon and brought chicken noodle soup but again Dad could barely eat. Our pastor also stopped in to visit during the day.  I contacted Gene and told him that Dad was not doing very well and Gene was able to call him late afternoon from Bulgaria.  Dad was really glad to hear his voice and it seemed to pick him up for a little bit.  Glen also called and Dad was able to talk with him as well. (Let me say here that my siblings have been fantastic.  Everyone has supported Dad as best they could and those that were far away always checked in with him regularly and I know that Dad was very appreciative of that.) We asked Dad if he would go to the doctor but he said no.

                I spent time with him Tuesday evening and he just kept repeating that he was so tired. We watched Jeopardy together (I didn’t realize that this would be the last time) and then I helped him undress and get into bed. He was so out of breath and when I finally got him into bed he just sighed and said “Thank you Jesus.”  Les came and spent the night. He said he heard Dad talking a lot during the night but it was basically uneventful.  In the morning he helped Dad get dressed and brought him out to the living room.

                After I arrived on Wednesday morning Les went home and Lois soon arrived. The plan was for her to stay the day while I went to work.  However, we began to realize that Dad was deteriorating very rapidly.  He was still unable to eat anything and his breathing continued to be labored and he was barely able to walk at all. We asked him again if he would go to the doctor and this time he agreed. We were able to get an appointment right away so Lois and I took him. He was able to walk with a walker into the doctor’s office but he was so weak and out of breath that we used a wheelchair to take him into the doctor and back out to the car again. Dr. Mohler was very kind and took a long time with us. He checked Dad’s lungs and he said they seemed clear and there was no swelling of his legs that indicated any kind of congestive heart failure.  His nose was a little stuffy and Dr. Mohler said it was possible that he may have an infection that is causing the drastic change in his health but that it was really impossible to know.  He did prescribe an antibiotic which Dad seemed agreeable to taking and then he also said that we could call Hospice and see about getting help through them.

                Lois and I brought him home and Lois stayed with him and I went into work for a little bit. He was able to take the antibiotic but he did not want to take any of his other meds and Lois could get no food into him.  He did continue to drink a little.  Lois made some calls to nursing homes and we were able to get an appointment with Landis Homes on Monday, May 7 and I called Hospice and scheduled them to come out for an assessment the next day, Thursday the 3rd at 12:00 noon. Dad knew we were doing this and he was very agreeable with it. Even though he has always said he wanted to die at home, he knew he could no longer stay there and was willing to go wherever he needed to. This was very reassuring for me to hear.

                Lois needed to leave for an appointment so I returned home to stay with him around 1:30 on Wednesday.  I tried to get Dad to eat a little and take some of his meds. He actually took his pills and ate a little applesauce but a couple minutes later he threw up.  He said he just wanted to sleep so I helped him over to the sofa and he went into a fitful sleep.  Gene called from Bulgaria and Glen called and when I told Dad and asked him if he wanted to speak with them, he said “I’m just too tired. Tell them I can’t right now.”  This was major alarm bells because I knew if he didn’t want to talk to either of them he was definitely not well.  (Glen later told me that when someone is close to death they sometimes push away those that are close to them. I don’t know if this is what Dad was doing or not but it helped me to know that.) I was feeling a little overwhelmed and Steve offered to come up and sit with Dad while I went out and mowed yard. This was just what I needed. Steve sat with him for probably 2 hours and Dad just slept on the sofa. He talked a little but wasn’t really restless. When I returned we moved him over to his recliner.

                Jay & Kristen brought supper down for us around 5:00 and they really wanted to visit with Dad. I left Dad for about 15 minutes and came down to my house and ate supper and then went back up to Dad. I asked him if it was alright if Jay and his family came for a little visit. He said he would rather they did not come because he was just too tired. However, I did tell Jay that he could come by himself. Jay came and this is the last “normal” conversation that Dad had with anyone. Jay talked about eggs, corn and weather and Dad actually perked up and seemed a little interested and asked Jay some intelligent questions.  Jay did not stay long but I believe that Dad really did appreciate his visit.

                About 6:30 Dad said he wanted to go to bed. I said “what about Jeopardy?” He said he didn’t think he could wait that long to go to bed, so I helped him get ready and get into bed. He was so exhausted and when he finally was lying in bed he let out such a big sigh of relief. I told him that either Steve or I would be there all night with him and he thanked me.

                About 10 minutes after he was in bed I heard him talking. I went back into his room and it was just amazing.  I could make out very little of what he was saying.  It was too jumbled together. I don’t know how to describe it except that it was like he was carrying conversations with different people.  You could tell by his tone inflections that sometimes he was asking a question and the next time he was answering it. Sometimes it seemed like he was giving instructions. I’m sure he was praying as well, because I caught the word “Jesus” several times. One time I made out the phrase “I am willing.” We also caught the phrase “open the door” and “I just want to get out.” He became very agitated and would fling his arms around and his legs were moving constantly. He would throw the covers off and then try to put them back on. This went on for hours. Steve came to sit with me and him as well and neither of us knew what to do.  At one point I said to Steve, “we are not capable of taking care of him tonight,” but there really wasn’t anyone in healthcare that we could call because we knew Dad did not want to go to the hospital and since Hospice wasn’t involved yet we couldn’t call them.  Several of my siblings asked me if they should come, but I honestly didn’t know.  I had no idea that he was going to die.  I thought he was just going to spend the entire night like this and I didn’t think it was necessary for them to miss their sleep as well.

                I sat on the bed with him for a long time. I held his hands and it seemed to calm him somewhat. When I would first touch him he would open his eyes and see me and several times he called me by my name, but then immediately he would start talking incoherently again.  Whenever I would gently shake him he would startle and I would ask him how he was doing. He would answer “good”. I asked him if he had any pain and he said “no.” He seemed to realize when I was praying for him and after I recited the 23^rd Psalm to him he said, “that is good spiritual food.”  We played music for him as well and at first it seemed like he liked it but then he said it was too loud. At one point he asked if Gene was here. I told him not yet but that he would be coming. Once when Steve stepped through the bedroom door Dad looked at him and said, “oh good, Gene is here.” (Gene I wasn’t sure I wanted to tell you but several people advised me that I should. I’m sure that in his unconscious state he was still aware that you were far away.)  From 7:00 to 11:00 this continued and there was really very little that we understood.  What I wrote above is the only words we could understand.

                At 11:00 I was exhausted and Steve suggested that I go home and get a couple hours of sleep while he stayed there with Dad. It seemed like a good idea since at this point we assumed this was going to continue all night and I figured I would need sleep to face the day tomorrow.  I agreed to go home and sleep a little and then I would come back in a couple of hours. Steve said that about 10 minutes after I left, the talking and restlessness stopped and Dad slept more peacefully.  He said his breathing got a little quieter but it still seemed to be quite regular. At about 11:45 Steve laid down in the spare bedroom across the hall and dozed off a little.  About ½ hour later he heard a thump and went over to investigate. He found a flashlight that had been on the headboard lying on the floor (which he thinks was the thump that woke him) and Dad was lying with his body partly off the edge of the bed. Obviously we don’t know what happened and we can only assume.  I think maybe Dad tried to get out of bed and was going to use the flashlight as light (even though the hall light was on). Steve put his hand on Dad’s shoulder and asked him if he was all right.  There was no response so Steve lifted him back on to the bed. When he picked him up Steve said his body just went rigid. After laying him on the bed, Dad took a breath and then about a minute later he inhaled another breath but never left it out again. Steve looked at the clock and it was 12:27. Of course, Steve knew that he was dead. He came and woke me and we went back up to Dad’s house.  I called all my siblings and Lois and Jim came to the house. Les would have come but was working the nightshift and was unable to come right away so he said to not wait for him.   I called 911 but told them my father was already dead so they did not come with sirens. The police also came which is standard procedure whenever the ambulance is called. After the EMT’s saw that Dad was dead they said I could call his family doctor and if he agreed to sign the death certificate we could just call the undertaker to take the body. Otherwise we would have to get the coroner to come. I was able to call Dr. Mohler and he said he would sign the certificate so we were able to have the undertaker come and take the body.  By the time they left with the body it was 3:45 am.

                Looking back over the last couple days there are so many things to be thankful for.

·         Dad always wanted to die at home and it is such a blessing that he was able to do that and to have it happen so quickly is a double blessing.

·         He had no pain at all.

·         Dad was ready to die. I know Glen mentioned that Dad told him often that he knew where he was going and when the time came to die he would not fight it but welcome it.

·         Even though Gene was in Bulgaria I am so thankful that we were able to be in contact with him.

·         I have an amazing family (husband, children and siblings) and I want to personally thank you for your support over this time and throughout my life as well. Each of you have been a blessing to me in different and special ways.

·         I am so thankful for the wonderful friends in my life as well. All of you mean so much to me.

There will probably always be some regret for me that I was not actually there when Dad died. I would never have left if I had known he only had another 1 ½ hours to live, but I just have to accept that and I will be okay with it.

Mary