Alzheimer's

It seems the older I get the more I hear the dreaded word "Alzheimer's."  When I was younger, we would jokingly say when we forgot something, "I probably have Alzheimer's." Now you can hear the fear in the voices of those my age and older, when we say worriedly, "I think I have Alzheimer's."

Yesterday my siblings and I got together with some of our cousins on the Denlinger side. When my step-grandmother (Vivian) was alive, she would invite her grandchildren and spouses every April for a meal at Landis Homes and it was always nice to catch up with cousins that we never or rarely saw throughout the year. This ended quite a few years ago when Grandma was no longer well and then of course it did not continue after her death. Since Dad died, we children have been getting together four times a year and this time we decided to invite our cousins to join us. Of course it didn't suit everyone, but it was wonderful to reconnect with those that were able to attend.

As we sat around chatting, the conversation naturally turned toward our parents. My dad had five siblings. One sister died at the age of twelve and the other in her early fifties. Of the remaining four children, my dad was the only one who was not diagnosed with Alzheimer's (sometimes I exasperatedly accused him of forgetfulness, but he definitely did not have dementia even close to the degree of his siblings). His brother and sister that are still living are both suffering from this cruel disease. My grandfather (dad's father) had Alzheimer's for many years and I learned on Sunday that my biological grandmother (who died in her fifties) had a sister that was severely out of her mind in her later years as well. Talk about a double whammy! We all just kind of sat around the circle and looked at each other, wondering who already had it and if any of us have any chance of escaping it.

Steve and I were talking about it later, and I asked him to honestly tell me if he thought I showed signs of dementia. He replied, "well you definitely are forgetful and you often repeat yourself." After seeing my horrified expression he tried to backtrack and say that I have always been that way and he doesn't think I have gotten worse. But I wonder. I know I can't remember things as well as I once did and it seems more and more I forget people's names. Could I be in the early stages of Alzheimer's?

I was actually a little depressed about my self-diagnosis for several hours but then I got to thinking. We can't choose how we die or if we will suffer for many years with an illness before death overtakes us. Who of us, if given a choice, wouldn't choose to die quickly and painlessly and not be plagued with all the difficulties and illnesses that often come with old age? But as I said before, the decision is not mine. I have to live my life the best that I can and leave the rest to God. I can trust God and believe that He knows best. Even though it seems like there can't be any good in someone being totally clueless of the world around them, or suffering for many years with an illness, I can't see the big picture. This world is not perfect and a lot of things don't go the way we would like or the way we would choose, but one thing I know, God is in control. And that is enough.

Now if I could just remember how old I am....